How breaking invisible family pacts forge unstoppable founders.

Imagine a silent pact so powerful it can forge empires or crush dreams. In families worldwide, particularly immigrant ones, an invisible contract often binds children to their parents' sacrifices and expectations.

Break it, and you're ungrateful. Honour it, and you might suffocate your true potential. But those who dare to shatter these unspoken expectations? They often emerge as the most formidable founders in the startup world, driven by a relentless urge to prove their worth on their own terms.

The Anatomy of a Covert Contract

A covert contract, a concept popularised by psychologist Robert Glover, is an unspoken agreement where one party silently expects something in return without explicitly communicating these expectations. It's "covert" because it's never openly discussed, and "invisible" because it operates beneath the surface of conscious interactions.

While present in many family dynamics, in immigrant families, it often intensifies to:

We sacrificed everything. You owe us prestige.

For children, this invisible pact creates:

1. Suffocating pressure to pursue "prestigious" careers.

2. Guilt when choosing passion over stability.

3. Constant reminders of parental sacrifice.

4. Expectation to honour roots while conquering a new world.

Breaking this contract feels like betrayal. It's not just saying no to law school or a prestigious job offer — it's shattering your parents' dreams.

But for the best founders, it's not about escaping the debt. It's about proving that unorthodox path yields greater returns than any "safe" career ever could. It becomes rocket fuel.

They're not running from obligation; they're sprinting towards success so massive it will justify every risk, every parental tear, every sleepless night.

This creates extreme urgency. As parents age, the clock ticks louder. Each year demands bigger wins to validate their divergent path and compensate for the immediate prestige and stability they've foregone for their families.

Cultural Pressure Cookers

The intensity of covert contracts varies across cultures, ranging from subtle expectations to overwhelming pressure. East Asian cultures, deeply influenced by Confucian values of filial piety, often exemplify the extreme end of this spectrum:

• Korea: Quitting a stable job is family disgrace.

• Japan: "Resignation agencies" thrive to avoid job-leaving shame.

• China: Children's achievements are family social currency in a perpetual status game.

Western cultures aren't immune, though the pressure often manifests more subtly as expectations of loyalty — to family, mentors, employers, and others who've invested in one's success.

This cultural crucible forges founders with distinct characteristics:

1. Guilt-Forged Resilience: Each setback isn't merely a business challenge, but a test of life choices and familial loyalty.

2. Hyperdrive Time Sensitivity: An acute awareness of time pushes these founders to operate at warp speed.

3. Chip-on-Shoulder Motivation: The need to prove their worth fuels an insatiable hunger for success.

The result? Ambition that is matched only by their resilience — a potent combination in the high-stakes world of entrepreneurship.

For VCs, these "pact-breakers" are invaluable. Their drive often surpasses that of founders from less pressurised backgrounds. They're not just building companies; they're on a mission to redefine success and validate their life choices on a grand scale.

A Message to My Parents, and to Those Who Understand

This essay isn't about showcasing success. It's about breaking the silence on the complex emotions and drives that shape many of us who've grown up under the weight of parental sacrifice and expectation.

Growing up in a Chinese restaurant family in Austria, I felt the unspoken pressure daily. Every good grade was a silent nod to the long hours my parents worked. Their sacrifice demanded excellence, and I delivered — not just for myself, but for them.

This drive led me to the UK, to a top university, to prestigious internships. I chased the white-collar jobs that would make my parents proud. The satisfaction in their eyes when I wore a suit, when I mentioned the corporate names, was palpable. For a while, it felt like enough.

But many of us reach a point where we question if fulfilling our parents' dreams truly honours their sacrifice. Is following a prescribed path really the best way to repay their investment in us?

For me, and for many others I know, the answer was no. Leaving the security of a conform life wasn't about rejection — it was about taking the drive they instilled in us and applying it on our own terms.

This decision comes with immense pressure. Every day becomes a test of our choice. We work relentlessly, not just for success, but to prove that our path is valid, that we haven't squandered the opportunities they gave us.

To my parents, and to all the other parents who've sacrificed: We haven't forgotten. We're not running from your expectations, but striving to exceed them in ways you might not have imagined. Our drive, our work ethic, our ambition — these are your gifts to us. We're using them to forge new paths, to create value in new ways.

The urgency we feel, the relentless push for success — it's all rooted in a deep desire to make you proud, to ensure your sacrifices weren't in vain. We may have broken the traditional pact, but we're working tirelessly to repay it tenfold.

This journey isn't unique to me. It's a silent struggle shared by many children of immigrants, of small business owners, of parents who dreamed of better lives for their kids. 

We carry your hopes with us, always.